STILL WRESTLING


I’m not sure what it takes.  God and I had some time to chat last nite, and for me, it’s just the hardest thing in the world to give up my ENTIRE heart to Him!  I’m so scared that He won’t come through for me.


Particularly in the area of relationships.


I was thinking this morning about how I’m so unhappy.  Once again, I woke up just feeling dysthymic (that’s mildly depressed for all you folks who aren’t attuned to psychobabble 🙂 ).  Things didn’t used to be that way!  Honestly, I was a lot more happy as a youngster who “hated ppl” and avoided everyone like the plague.  But then, that was only because I was so adept at turning off my emotions – so maybe it was that I was unhappy as hell, but didn’t even know it!  (And I think that was true, b/c even back then, I had a few spells of depression usually triggered by movies of all things.)


So yeah, still rather unhappy.  And rather exhausted.  Don’t know why I bother going on.  I just know that I must.


I’m going to church tonite.  Hopefully this praise nite will be just what I need to lift my spirits a little.  At the very least, it’ll be a great opportunity to not focus on ME for a few minutes, and give some praise to the One who has brought me this far – and the One I hope to bring me out of this dark tunnel.


Holla!

I ONLY LIVE WHEN I DREAM . . .


It’s true.  I think about Christ’s promise – that we’ll have abundant life.  And the last 2 years of my life, I haven’t even seen a HINT of anything abundant!  When I think about all the things I’ve been through, and all the crap I’ve had to face . . . I can only come to one conclusion:


this isn’t living.


Seriously, it’s not.  It just isn’t.  I spend all my emotional energy trying NOT to want something.  And it’s taxing.  Too damn taxing.  Sometimes I don’t know how I made it this far – and then I wonder how much farther I’ll be able to make it.


I’m so ready to “experiment” with life.  To play around with some of my options.  But I do have to question the purity of such a decision – not to mention the sanity.


It’s just that I’m so sick of only being alive . . . when I’m dreaming.  It’s the only time I can have what I want.  It’s the only time I feel like I’m LIVING.  Granted, my dreams aren’t the most Godly of dreams.  But it’s all I’ve got.  On God’s path, I see nothing but misery, but on my own path . . . I see nothing but misery   But ya know, at least on MY path, I’d enjoy something for the moment, even if it’s ever so brief. 


Real life sucked ass pretty hard today.  At least when I first woke up.  And my day at work wasn’t all that great.  I think my new preceptor thinks I’m a total jerk-off or something


But the presentation I gave at the end of the day worked out alright, so I’m happy about that.


And I had some time to talk to God for a bit.  I guess you could say that we “reasoned together” (in pure Isaiah 1:18 fashion).  Have you ever made it through a large hump of a struggle, and then when that struggle takes on a new form, you somehow think it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get over THAT hump?


God so gently reminded me today that there was a time when my struggle was different, but it seemed just as insurmountable then – and now I know better.  Now I’ve changed, and the struggle has changed, and it seems impossible now, but I serve a God who LOVES those kinds of odds!


Don’t go rejoicing or anything on me though, ok?  I’m still very likely to go out and do something stupid tomorrow!  So don’t pressure me to be holy!

Yo!  Whatup, peeps!


I just spent a really long time typing out my first weblog entry, and then I was kinda like “uh, whoa . . . that’s kinda personal for the whole WORLD to see!”  So for realio . . .if you want the lowdown on what’s REALLY going on in my life and why i’m so depressed THIS week, hit me up and I’ll add you to my protected list so you can read to your heart’s content


Peace and love!