I’m not sure what it takes. God and I had some time to chat last nite, and for me, it’s just the hardest thing in the world to give up my ENTIRE heart to Him! I’m so scared that He won’t come through for me.
Particularly in the area of relationships.
I was thinking this morning about how I’m so unhappy. Once again, I woke up just feeling dysthymic (that’s mildly depressed for all you folks who aren’t attuned to psychobabble 🙂 ). Things didn’t used to be that way! Honestly, I was a lot more happy as a youngster who “hated ppl” and avoided everyone like the plague. But then, that was only because I was so adept at turning off my emotions – so maybe it was that I was unhappy as hell, but didn’t even know it! (And I think that was true, b/c even back then, I had a few spells of depression usually triggered by movies of all things.)
So yeah, still rather unhappy. And rather exhausted. Don’t know why I bother going on. I just know that I must.
I’m going to church tonite. Hopefully this praise nite will be just what I need to lift my spirits a little. At the very least, it’ll be a great opportunity to not focus on ME for a few minutes, and give some praise to the One who has brought me this far – and the One I hope to bring me out of this dark tunnel.