“For the enemy has persecuted my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead. Therefore, my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; my soul longs for You like a thirsty land.”
I love how my boy Kind David can take my heart and put it into words like that. It’s from Psalm 143. I decided to bust open the psalms last nite b/c – as predicted – my feeling of joy quickly crashed into that lonely, empty heartache
Sometimes I wonder how I even survive. Being at Bible study last nite was nothing short of painful. I’m watching this room full of people that I love and want to enjoy, but I find no joy in being in there, there’s only emptiness and longing.
As prayer time rolled around, I struggled to find the courage to ask them to pray for me . . . I never found it. I did however manage to let my dawgs Chris and Joe know that I was in need of some serious prayer – feeling like a fall was imminent.
I barely made it through my door before the tears came down and the prayers went up . . . just a long evening of questioning and wailing “GOD, WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY? WHAT IS MY LIFE MISSING??”
Consistently, I just keep hearing “wait” in response. And then I cracked open to Psalm 143, and it was just refreshing to hear Dave’s words. I was so able to resonate with them – to find another man who was able to say to God “look, my spirit is weak, and I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I crumble. . . “
How is it that he was able to do that? David was probably the most emtional man of Biblical times . . . his psalms are just FILLED with desperation, and anguish, but w/o fail, he always ended on some note of remembering God’s faithfulness. That’s so amazing to me. I’m trying to develop that kind of maturity.
Today at work was just hard. I couldn’t concentrate, I was tired, I wanted to cut out of there and go home. But I stayed the whole day (not out of choice, mind you). By the time I got home, I just needed to talk to Jesus again.
And then I did what Dave suggested . . . I remembered. I can’t deny how much God has brought such major healing to my life. Finding Trinity 4 months ago was SO God! It was the first ounce of hope I got in a long time. Finding EPIC was a miracle. And establishing really close relationships w/ the guys of EPIC has been so amazing. Each one was a slight miracle of its own, each one brought major healing to my heart.
I guess what I’m expecting is to have this underlying anguish of the soul just be removed . . . and with each ounce of healing I ask “so why didn’t that work, God?” Maybe that’s why He keeps telling me “wait”. Maybe I gots mo’ issues than I realize.
So there’s something very healing in itself about remembering . . . because you realize that God was faithful enough to bring deliverance in the past, and since He promised to finish the work He started, it brings some hope and encouragement when you’re feeling like poo (again, for CHRISTINA )
At this juncture, I must also give a shout-out to my girl ADRIENNE. She’s gorgeous, she’s Godly, she’s growing, and I’m so lucky to be able to go deeper with her. (There’s your shout-out . . . happy now? )
So anyway . . . right after my time of remembrance, Chris called, just to check up on me. Said he wasn’t quite sure what to pray for (all I told him last nite was that I felt like I was dying inside, and if he could pray for me, that would be great). So yeah, TOTALLY felt the love w/ that follow-up call, and we had just an awesome, encouraging talk about our growth and walk with God. Again, he’s a saint. I swear
And dang, I’m so blessed with so many good friends. Had a talk w/ my best buddy last nite, and it’s always encouraging to hear from him, even when he’s struggling himself. There’s something mystical about walking the road together, no?
Even got to holla at my mentor/friend/brother Ricky. Haven’t heard from him in awhile. He just got back from Switzerland . . . and it’s good to hear that things are going well in his life.
And tomorrow the fellaz are meetin’ up at Joe’s place for prayer. I expect good things from this . . . b/c every time I’ve met up with some friends for the sole purpose of praying, somehow it turned into a sweet, sweet time. It’s gonna be cool.
So yeah, got some more work to do before I turn in this evening. Would appreciate your continued prayers, folks. Still feel very much like I’m dying inside . . . and I’m so fragile, that I’m only steps away from hopelessness and despair. Yet I find that He somehow restores my soul, each and every time. He’s never given me more than I could handle. Hope that doesn’t change.