FEELING LIKE SHIT . . .


See, this is EXACTLY why I DON’T like posting that I’m doing well . . . b/c every time I do, it seems like the very next day, I’m feeling like shit again.  This weekend proved to be no different


I guess it started Saturday nite.  I wanted to go out w/ Joe and a couple other Trinity folks to a concert, but I had too much work to do, so I missed out.  And by the time I was finally finished with it, I was feeling incredibly lonely.  I went about my business anyway, and got ready for the next day.  But just before going to bed, I started watching a Sy Rogers video on forgiveness and . . . .well, for some reason, some old thoughts and feelings started stirring up.


These extremely painful memories from my past started to surface.  Actually, I guess they’ve been surfacing for a couple of weeks now, but there was no strong emotion attached to them.  But Saturday night, the emotions started to surge.  But I had a nice prayer and went to bed.


Sunday morning, however?  Well, that’s when it all just went to hell.  I felt miserable from the moment I woke up.  All that crap from the past overshadowed my entire day.  Don’t even bother to ask me what the morning’s message was on.  I didn’t hear a word Pastor George said.  All I know is that I bawled through most of worship, and bawled even more afterwards when I went up for prayer.  The whole rest of the service, I just sat there on the verge of tears.


What really sucks is that I can’t seem to hide my pain like I once could.  I’m not sure if that’s b/c I’ve started letting people in now, and I don’t see any REASON for hiding the pain, or if it’s b/c the kid is just losing his touch


Either way, I couldn’t hide the pain.  Not well, anyway.  I tried, b/c I didn’t wanna be a burden to anyone’s festivities (since the Trinity crew always hangs out after church and tries to have a good time).  Yet the whole “being on the verge of tears” thing just wouldn’t let up.  I couldn’t shake it.  I talked to Joe about some of the mess that was floating around . . .


But Monday proved to be worse.  Today proved to be worse still. 


I’ve been burned so many times in the past.  And here I am, trying to move past it, and just when it seems like I am, all the old pain comes rising to the surface


It’s just made me want to isolate myself.  I’ve been throwing up some major walls the last couple of days.  But I’ve been forcing myself to stay somewhat engaged with folks.  Though I wasn’t really sure how long I could hold up that game. 


So I just drove home (from Bmore to DC), and I just needed to hear from God. . . b/c I had no idea what the hell was going on w/ me emotionally.  And somewhere b/w Rt. 100 and Rt 32 on the BW Pkway, the Lord revealed to me that what He needed was my heart.  He wanted that piece of my heart that loves to resent ppl that claim they love me so that I can have some sort of control and keep myself from being hurt by them. 


And that’s when I went from “being on the verge of tears” to just plain bawling.  Dang, I almost ran off the road a couple of times, b/c I couldn’t see through the tears.


Generally, I like to drag this kinda thing out with God, but you know what? I’m too damn tired for that.  He always wins anyway.  So yeah, I told Him He could have that part of my heart, even though I’m still unclear as to what part of my heart that really is.  Yet, whichever part it is, I have to trust that He’ll do better at protecting me than I’ve done the last few years.  So that’s that, I guess.  This week’s gonna be pretty tough to get through.  I’m still feeling the backlash of pain, and I’m still very untrusting of everyone around me . . . So one step at a time, I suppose.

THE DEED IS DONE . . .


Yup.  Got my hair highlighted.  (Sorry, Jo-Jo).  I’m quite virginal in this area.  So, I must say that my first experience was all that I thought it would be, and then some. 


It looks HOT!!


Yo, DAVE!  What did you think of the book?  Was it “fair and balanced”?


Jeff and J-Jaz . . . this is my last hell night.  So basically, I’m gonna live it up!  Those crazy few neophytes who tried to slack off . . . they’re in for quite a treat!  I can’t wait.


Lata!

GOOOOD GOSH!!


I can’t believe it’s been nearly TWO WEEKS since my last update!  What the heck?? 


Yeah, I guess you could say life has been busy.  These rotations are killin’ me.  But they’re good.  I’m at a diabetes clinic now.  And apart from almost getting sued the other day for HIPAA violations, it’s pretty sweet.  I’m not so much into all the crazy paper work and crap we gotta do, but at the same time, since I’m interested in psych, and since there seems to be a high correlation between schizophrenia and diabetes/hypertension, this is gonna be some very good background stuff for me to get under my belt. 


Other than that, things have ACTUALLY been going WELL the last couple of weeks!  Who woulda thunk it?


Yeah, God has been really good.  Life isn’t all peaches, of course.  I’ve had plenty of saline moments in the last couple of weeks, but it feels like such a GOOD pain.  There’s something about knowing that GOD is actually the one pushing on the sore spots – He’s not doing it to be mean, but doing it to massage it and make it better.  Truly comforting.


So yeah, I’m surviving.  Fighting the good fight.  Keeping the faith.  And all that jazz.


By the way, my friend Christina is dead set against me getting highlights.  What the freak, man??  Christina, get w/ the program, babe.  It’s gonna happen, alright?


Had a really really reeeeally good counseling session Thursday.  I got quite a revelation.  I’ll actually share it for the in crowd, but it’s not something I want to post publically, so if you’re part of the group that’s in the “in crowd”, but I just don’t have the space to fit you on the protected list (damned xanga discrimination against non-premium users!!  does “the man” ALWAYS gotta keep a brotha down??), just holla, and I’ll give you the revelation on the DL.  Otherwise, just read it below.


Another piece of good news . . .the wise pledgemasters of my frat this year extended me a great honor this week.  Hell night, here I come!! I am gonna make those neophytes regret the day they ever joined my frat!! MUAHAHAHA!!


OH!  And by the way . . . I got a new pic up!  That’s my best bud, Paul right there.  He’s the dude I know from NYC.  One of THE most awesome men you’ll ever meet – if you haven’t had the pleasure yet!


Everyone wave hi to Paul, k? 


Aight, I’m tired.  Gonna catch some zzzzzzz’s now.  PEACE!!

I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD SO MUCH SALINE . . .


Yeah, I’ve spent the better part of the evening just crying.  I suppose it’s a good thing, considering I haven’t shed a tear for myself since . . . EVER.  I guess I’ve got a lot of catching up to do


Sometimes the odds seem too overwhelming, and I don’t know if I can ever change the dysfunctional patterns of my life. 


I got to call my dad and talk to him about it though.  It was good times.  Not sure why I felt the need to call him up . . . but it’s the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning.  And then, I go to church, and the message is on honoring your parents and stuff.  Maybe God’s trying to tell me something


So, I was able to call and let him in on the very vulnerable places of my heart.  That’s a difficult thing to do with my family . . .for a number of reasons.  But it was so sweet to be able to do it tonite.  When my dad finally shut up and stopped trying to fix me, we actually had a good talk


One thing he said to me that struck me was how much I was like David . . . and it was at that moment that the Lord started to minister to me.  Ever since I first started to really get interested in God – way back in 11th grade – I’ve been inexplicably drawn to Joseph, Paul, and David.  But David most of all.  Never understood why.  But as my dad was speaking tonite, I realize it’s because the man was so much like ME!  And back then, I never did identify with how much David moaned and wailed, but I certainly do now!


What the Lord started ministering though, was that David “was a man after God’s own heart” . . . and that I too have a heart that He admires.  I think I’m just gonna revel in that for a bit. 


The days ahead are gonna be really tough, I think.  This rotation is kicking my booty.  It’s good and all, b/c y’all know I like working w/ the jacked up psych patients (who are just slightly more jacked up than myself ), but it’s SO MUCH WORK!  And it doesn’t help that I have all this emotional garbage hanging over my head


I need a hug.  A big one.


Lata

OH!  And another thing . . .


I’m thinking of highlighting my hair . . .


I’m taking suggestions on color and style tips.  Though, I’m not really sure I can do much in the way of style b/c my hair is so darn wavy . . . so no suggestion of spikes, please.  I’d have to get a perm for that.  And there’s really just no way I’m heading down that road


Yeah, so I wanna start out w/ something that’s not so permanent, just in case the color sucks . . . I need to be able to wash it out fairly soon.


Let the suggestions begin!! (For those of you that don’t have access to xanga, you can post some comments in that little chatter box off to the right of your screen.  Don’t forget to put your name in there!)


Paz

Just an update . . .


I guess it’s been a couple of days since updating.


I guess not too much has changed.  i’ve been having some good days, and some not-so-good ones.  But I’m staying so close to Christ.  Intimacy with Him is pretty cool, methinks


Last night wasn’t so great.  I was so disturbed with myself that I couldn’t even sleep.  Don’t think I nodded off until about 5am.  Up at 7am


Yet, I refuse to succumb to depression and the confusion swirling around in my head.  And today I feel Christ’s love for me afresh, despite the fact that I can’t seem to live up to any semblance of holiness.


The weekend was pretty hot, I must admit.  Started out Friday nite chillin’ w/ the old college crew.  Shoutouts to Chanelle and Adrienne for chillin’ we me until the late hours of the morning and just listening to me pour out my heart and share some of the deep things that I’ve been going through.  You’re the best!  Thanx for the love.


Saturday I went to dinner and a movie w/ my dawg Derrick.  He was down from Liberty visiting for the week.  We went to Columbia Mall and saw “The Forgotten”.  TWO THUMBS UP!!  Yeah, sure, the plot had some holes in it, and it’s not Oscar-worthy by any stretch, but it was SO worth it to hear the witness the audience jumping and screaming throughout the flick!! LOL.


At the same time, I have to admit that some parts freaked me out a bit.  Only because I think the movie hits on something very deeply ingrained in us by God – this fear and simultaneous wonder at what we don’t understand.  It’s those things that make us feel helpless and out of control, because we realize that there’s something at work more powerful than ourselves, and it scares us shitless!  Ever been in a car accident?  Ever been amazed at the amount of emotion that comes up after being in one? The anger, the bitterness, the confusion, the regret (“If only I had put on the breaks just one second earlier!”) . . . it’s all because we suddenly sense how much we’re NOT in control, and it scares us.  That’s how I think we should see God . . . we should be so amazed by the fact that He’s INFINITELY more powerful than us, that it kinda scares us deep down .  . . and yet, kinda makes us drawn to Him because we know despite His raw power, He’s pure and loving.


Sunday was pretty sweet as well.  Spent most of the day w/ the EPIC crew and chilled w/ Joe a lot.  We went to Best Buy and I couldn’t resist the urge to by Fred Hammond’s latest . . . b/c of track #2 “He lives”.  Sweet, sweet, song!  Seriously blesses my soul . . . and it has such a unique, mellow groove that’s characteristic of some of Fred’s old school stuff (when He first went solo after leaving Commissioned).  Check it out!!


OK, back to the grind . . .


Oh wait!  More shoutouts!


Kelli, thanx for the Psalms 25 reference.  I red it that nite, and it rocked!


Solly, dude, great poem!  Very poignant!


Sharon, thanx for the prayers.  They’re always appreciated!  ((hug))


Susan, haha! Yeah, I’m kinda used to pouring my heart out online . . . so journaling for the world is sorta my thing.  Very therapeutic.  You should give it a whirl


Anita, love ya and miss ya!


LATA!