FEELING LIKE SHIT . . .
See, this is EXACTLY why I DON’T like posting that I’m doing well . . . b/c every time I do, it seems like the very next day, I’m feeling like shit again. This weekend proved to be no different
I guess it started Saturday nite. I wanted to go out w/ Joe and a couple other Trinity folks to a concert, but I had too much work to do, so I missed out. And by the time I was finally finished with it, I was feeling incredibly lonely. I went about my business anyway, and got ready for the next day. But just before going to bed, I started watching a Sy Rogers video on forgiveness and . . . .well, for some reason, some old thoughts and feelings started stirring up.
These extremely painful memories from my past started to surface. Actually, I guess they’ve been surfacing for a couple of weeks now, but there was no strong emotion attached to them. But Saturday night, the emotions started to surge. But I had a nice prayer and went to bed.
Sunday morning, however? Well, that’s when it all just went to hell. I felt miserable from the moment I woke up. All that crap from the past overshadowed my entire day. Don’t even bother to ask me what the morning’s message was on. I didn’t hear a word Pastor George said. All I know is that I bawled through most of worship, and bawled even more afterwards when I went up for prayer. The whole rest of the service, I just sat there on the verge of tears.
What really sucks is that I can’t seem to hide my pain like I once could. I’m not sure if that’s b/c I’ve started letting people in now, and I don’t see any REASON for hiding the pain, or if it’s b/c the kid is just losing his touch
Either way, I couldn’t hide the pain. Not well, anyway. I tried, b/c I didn’t wanna be a burden to anyone’s festivities (since the Trinity crew always hangs out after church and tries to have a good time). Yet the whole “being on the verge of tears” thing just wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t shake it. I talked to Joe about some of the mess that was floating around . . .
But Monday proved to be worse. Today proved to be worse still.
I’ve been burned so many times in the past. And here I am, trying to move past it, and just when it seems like I am, all the old pain comes rising to the surface
It’s just made me want to isolate myself. I’ve been throwing up some major walls the last couple of days. But I’ve been forcing myself to stay somewhat engaged with folks. Though I wasn’t really sure how long I could hold up that game.
So I just drove home (from Bmore to DC), and I just needed to hear from God. . . b/c I had no idea what the hell was going on w/ me emotionally. And somewhere b/w Rt. 100 and Rt 32 on the BW Pkway, the Lord revealed to me that what He needed was my heart. He wanted that piece of my heart that loves to resent ppl that claim they love me so that I can have some sort of control and keep myself from being hurt by them.
And that’s when I went from “being on the verge of tears” to just plain bawling. Dang, I almost ran off the road a couple of times, b/c I couldn’t see through the tears.
Generally, I like to drag this kinda thing out with God, but you know what? I’m too damn tired for that. He always wins anyway. So yeah, I told Him He could have that part of my heart, even though I’m still unclear as to what part of my heart that really is. Yet, whichever part it is, I have to trust that He’ll do better at protecting me than I’ve done the last few years. So that’s that, I guess. This week’s gonna be pretty tough to get through. I’m still feeling the backlash of pain, and I’m still very untrusting of everyone around me . . . So one step at a time, I suppose.