Good Favor. . .
I’ve had this itch for awhile. No, not like a rash or anything. Just this minor perturbance in my psyche, or maybe my soul? Something just under the surface letting me know that something’s missing. Something’s not quite right.
I’ve felt so distant from God. I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed my devotions. I used to read the Bible, and the words were such life to my weary bones. But now, it’s just words.
Worship hasn’t been enjoyable for months. I mean, every once in awhile, I feel stuff, but it just hasn’t been authentic. I mean, like when you’re worshipping, and you’re absolutely broken. You’re brought so low in humility, that you can do nothing but lie prostrate before Him.
I used to have this understanding of grace. There was this period in my life where I got it, I mean I actually got it! I was just living in it, and marvelled by it. But somehow, it lost all its wonder.
Isn’t that disturbing? I mean, if you’re not living in grace, what else is there? What’s it all for?
While shopping for Christmas presents at Borders last week, I happened to run by Philip Yancey’s “What’s So Amazing about Grace?” I’m not sure why I bought it. It was total whim . . . or maybe some incognito divine influence.
Reading it has really brought all this to the forefront of my mind though. I really, really miss walking in God’s grace. . . knowing that it abounds much more than my sins. I miss talking to God and relating to Him on a heart level. I don’t know how He got relegated to just my head . . . but that’s where He’s been the past few months. I don’t know why I haven’t been challenged (nor growing) spiritually by the Bible studies or the teachings at Trinity. I’m tempted to think that maybe it’s wholly internal, yet – by my observation – I can’t say that I’ve seen a whole lot of growth in the people around me either.
It seems that the only thing that has stirred my heart recently has been my study of postmodern stuff.
By the way, I got “In Search of God Knows What” (the most recent book by Donald Miller, author of “Blue Like Jazz”) and I must say I am NOT disappointed thus far! Miller is absolutely hilarious in his writing style, yet so amazingly profound at the same time. Go pomo Christians!
I’m just being brought closer and closer to the truth that I pray will someday sustain me: Christ is all I need. I feel closer to Him tonight than I’ve felt in ages. My prayer has been . . .
Lord, I miss you
I miss lavishing you with the praise you deserve
I miss being consoled by your mere presence
I need you
I want you
Fill me with your grace
Let me breathe it, swim in it
Let it be so thick that I suffocate in it
No other will do
No one, No thing will suffice
It must be you
I don’t know what God is doing. I wish I had some clue. I just know that tonight is a good night. Tonight, I’m satisfied with His presence. Tonight, I remember what it’s like to walk in God’s grace, and to desire Him with all that is within me.