A little lonely tonight . . .



Yeah, it’s just one of those
nights.  Not sure why exactly.  But one of those times where
I’m rather acutely aware of my homesickness . . . feeling somewhat
empty and disconnected from what’s real and important.




I didn’t have a bad day
either.  It was pretty awesome.  Slept well, got up, had an
awesome service at church, experienced some really good praise and
worship, had a great lunch with the EPIC crew, all that jazz.




Afterwards, I took a friend
home and then went back to Audrey’s to watch “Garden State” with her,
Amanda, and Joe.  The flick was aight . . . not particularly in
agreement with all the hype surrounding it, but it had its moments.




Then afterwards, we’re
standing outside talking, and I honestly wish I could have stayed there
longer.  The thought of going home filled me with terror.  I
wish I could have had a real connection at that moment, a real
conversation, a real chance to know and be known.  But at the same
time, I was freezing my ass off, had to get some work done, and knew
that seeking more convo wouldn’t take away the feeling inside.  I
can’t be dependent on people.  At the same time, I’m so not
foolish enough to think that I’m independent of people either. 
Perhaps I made a mistake.  Perhaps I should have stayed awhile and
vented some of my heart.  Or perhaps it was one of those times
where I needed to vent to the Lord.  I certainly did that on the
way home.  It was definitely good time with God, but I can
honestly say that I’d seriously appreciate some good people bonding
right now.




This is one of those nights
where I feel very much like I’m always giving and giving, and I really
do wish that someone would have pursued me.  Just this once, ya
know?  But it didn’t happen.  I’ll survive though.  It’s
not the end of the world like it once seemed.




God’s done such amazing things
for me.  I cannot deny it.  I was listening to a guy give his
testimony in church today, and he was talking about how his dad was so
proud of him after turning his life over to Christ and leaving behind a
past filled with drugs and alcohol.  I couldn’t help but tear up,
because in that moment, I could see why his father was so proud of him,
and it dawned on me what my dad meant when he would tell me “I’m so
proud of you, Darren.”  My heart was filled with such overwhelming
love for my dad, because he loves me like that, and continues to be
proud of me, even though he’s seen the very worst of me.




I just got off the phone with
my pops, explaining to him about church today, and for the first time
in my life, I told my dad I loved him, and I truly, truly meant it . .
. and it didn’t feel weird.  I know, I know.  That’s really
strange.  Because I had a pretty good upbringing, and one would
think that I always loved my parents.  It’s true . . . I have
always loved them, but I’ve never actually
felt
love for them.  Or if I did feel it, it felt weird, or
disengenuous.  I really don’t know how to capture in words what
I’m trying to say here . . . all I know is that my heart was incapable
of feeling genuine love for my dad, but tonight, it made sense to my
heart.  He loves me, he’s proud of me, and in response, I’m filled
with love for him.




This is the kind of
relationship I should have always had, but it’s taken me 25 years to
actually get to this point.  And it’s all because of Jesus. 
The bigger point is not lost on me . . . this experience I’ve had with
my dad tonight very much mirrors the kind of relationship I should have
with my Heavenly Father – the One who loves me, and is so very proud of
me . . . and so I love Him genuinely in return.  What an amazing
gift it is to have the capacity to love.  Maybe some of you out
there take this gift for granted, because your heart naturally
overflows with love for your friends and family, but I never
experienced such a thing in a really natural way up until this
year.  So I’m greatful.




So yeah, it’s a lonely
night.  And it hurts.  But I guess my girl Whitney summed it
up best: “It’s not right, but it’s OK.  I’m gonna make it
anyway.”  See, crack addicts really
are worth something sometimes

Another day, another dollar. . . down the drain, that is.

So yeah, life is life.  Lots to do.  Lots to figure out.  La dee dah.

Supposed to be seeing someone today about possible job opportunities.

Blah, blah, blah.

CTP for the good stuff!!

Overwhelmed . . .


It’s an understatement really.  I’ve got soooo much going on right now!  I have no clue how it’s all going to get done!


First of all, I finally heard about my residency from Maryland.  The director of the residency has yet to have the decency to give me the news herself, but fortunately, I have friends in high places.  One of the guys who I got a reference from let me know that MD won’t be inviting me for an interview


It’s not surprising, though.  I woke up last Wednesday morning and knew I wouldn’t be getting it. I don’t know how I knew, I just did.  Perhaps God is granting me enough info to let me know that He’s all up in the middle of this, and He’s got my back.  I’m quite OK with that


However, it does add yet another task to my already-full plate: find a job.  That’s in addition to preparing a poster and a 15 minute presentation, writing an ADR (adverse drug reaction) paper, preparing an in-service for my ambulatory care clinic rotations, get graduation stuff together, go apartment hunting, and the list goes on and on and on.


Despite all of this, I can still say that I’m doing quite well.  Inexplicably so.  In fact, I feel alive again.  I can’t recall feeling this alive since a year and a half ago when all this emotional hell of mine started.  But my heart has just been pumping for the last few weeks.  I thank God for it daily, yet I must say that I’m baffled.  Not that I don’t see the benefits of having gone through such hell . . . but at the same time, it seems to have ended so very randomly.  Which makes me kind of scared . . . I fear that the emptiness and depression will come over me like a deluge in an equally random fashion as it left.  But who knows?


All I know is that I’ve learned some seriously valuable lessons in the last couple of years.  The biggest being that I have quite a phenomenal desperation for Christ.  No, seriously.  I know Christians say that all the time . . . hell, we sing it every Sunday in some way, shape, or form.  But I know this deep down in my bones now.  Not that I didn’t know it before, but . . . I dunno . . . it’s different now.  It’s a much deeper form of knowing.  And quite honestly, if that’s the only reason I was allowed to go through such an aweful, dark period of my life, I’d have to say it’s well worth it.  Now I know my words mean something real, they’re not just cliches I spout simply because I grew up Christian, ya know?


This resurgence of life has also helped me become tons more available to my friends and loved ones.  And I don’t mean just time.  I mean that I’m able to be emotionally available for them in ways I wasn’t able to be before.  I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a good thing though, because it means more tears   Seriously, I think I’ve actually cried more tears for my dear friends this week than I’ve cried for myself! 


All I know is that life’s a bitch!  It really is.  Even though things are going “well” for me now, it’s still pretty darn tough.  There’s still so much to sort through, so much to deal with, and I still get sad and lonely sometimes.  But I’m absolutely amazed at how I’ve grown to deal with those things in ways that are infinitely more healthy than I’ve ever done before.  God is good . . . all the time.


OK, I need a nap.  Peace and love!

Just got back from Matt and Eden’s place (My small group leaders) . . .
we saw “Napoloen Dynamite”.  This was my second time seeing the
movie, but it was still friggin’ hilarious!

Been sort of a poopy day, with lots on the brain (CTP – check the
protected!), but things started picking up in the evening when I met
Chris and Dan.  We went to Quizno’s on Reisterstown Rd, and it’s
probably the best Quizno’s I’ve been to ever.  For some reason,
the sandwiches just tasted better.  Mmmmm.

So the weird thing for the evening:  I had to purchase gas. 
Why is that weird?  Because it didn’t go in MY car!  Yeah, it
went in Audrey’s.  Apparently, she doesn’t like to take money with
her to work – which is understandable.  But for heaven’s sake,
can’t you take a credit card for emergencies??  Sheesh!  I
still love her though

Aight, gotta head to bed.  I’m hoping to head down to Cedar Ridge
tomorrow morning.  I meant to go last week, but I was too darn
tired!  That may very well be the case tomorrow morning as well,
but if I go, I might run into my buddy Michael.  Hi Michael! 
::waves::

Nite one and all

Full day . . .


I got quite a bit done.  Went to the gym for the 2nd day in a
row.  It was good therapy   Helped me relax and think
some things through in my head for a bit.  Came back and finally
finished my medical history for my patient, then started a case review
for another patient.

Went to dinner to meet up with Joe and say some things that I’ve left
unsaid for far too long.  Thanks for hearing me out, bro, and for
being honest with me.  I don’t really enjoy being that vulnerable
for people . . . it gets messy too easily.  But I do greatly
appreciate you being willing to go there with me.  I know I have a
tendency to be obsessed with “going deep”

Got to hang out w/ Audrey for a couple of hours watching “Under the
Tuscan Sun”.  TOTAL chick flick!  But I must say that I
enjoyed the fun banter . . . it was quite amusing.

Came back to finish up some more work.  Frankly, I’m beat. 
WAY too much emotion and work for a single day!  I’m ready for
bed.  But hey, that’s just another day for me to be able to say
that God has remained faithful to help me do all the crap that I need
to do.  I really do hope He continues to be faithful, b/c there’s
a whole bunch more left undone!  I’m outtie!

As my dear, dear friend Kelli often says: “CTP! “

(check the protected!)

Yesterday was quite a day.  I was feeling a bit crappy from the
start, but had a good time just opening my heart to the Lord as I was
on my way home.  Then suddenly, there’s a cop, and I look down at
my speedometer to realize that I’ve just flown by her.  Sure
enough, she pulls out . . . I thought I was cool, because she came out
kinda slow, and I was way ahead.  Next thing you know, I see
lights behind me

It’s the first ticket I’ve ever gotten since I started driving at
16!  And it was for $140 friggin bucks!!  grrrrr.  Not
to mention 2 points on the license.  And the cop was a total bitch
about it.  I felt completely demoralized

I’m glad my dad came home early, because I was starting to get in a
funk, and he helped me through it a bit.  I’m amazed at how easily
I can get down sometimes.  Thing is, the Lord has really been
trying to get on me about my patience for quite some time. 
I  really do drive too fast.  So honestly, I think this
ticket was a friendly reminder from the Lord that things need to change
.  . . I don’t quite look like Him enough when it comes to
patience.

So I’ve done quite a bit of driving today, and I’ve slowed things down
a bit.  Lemme tell ya, it’s a HARD thing to do!  I’m so used
to cruising 80.  But whatever.  Gotta get things right.

UNC emailed me (finally).  With bad news, of course.  Those
bastards aren’t even inviting me for an interview!!   I have
to admit that my pride is a little pricked here . . . I’m not used to
getting rejected . . . especially in the realm of academia.  But
that’s life.  About a week ago, I had a very vivid dream that UNC
was going to do that, so at least I was somewhat prepared for it.

On a much brighter note, I got to see the family yesterday which was
AWESOME!  My niece is as cute as ever.  I’m proud to annonce
that her shoe fetish has graduated from “let me throw these in the
garbage can” to “let me walk in these and see how many bruises I can
get from all the falls”

Had a pretty awesome session with Lance today as well.  He’s swell
  It was kinda rough though.  I realize there are so
many things that I have to face, and I really don’t want to.  But
I honestly have no choice.  So there are probably some pretty
tough conversations (at least for me) that I’ll have to have with a
couple of folks soon.

Aight, I’m outtie.  Gonna have to take a nap so I can be well-rested for guy’s nite at Joey’s!  Woohoo!!