OK, first of all, shout-out to all the folks who have been so diligent
to offer support.  You guys have been amazing . . . mostly for
reading that long, protected, friggin’ DISSERTATION I wrote!  But
then to offer words of support as well (and even some phone
calls).  I must say that I’m very appreciative, and I love it when
the Church acts like Christ  said.

I’m doing better, but still shuffling through a lot of stuff. 
Yes, of COURSE there’s another dissertation about it! CTP!
 

Things are so super busy right now.  It’s all stressing me out a
bit.  The ELP office has lost one of my rotation evals for the
THIRD time!  *grrrrrr*  I’m still studying for NAPLEX every
day, trying to squeez in some time at the gym, and going through all
sorts of crazy spiritual somersaults.  Got tons planned for this
weekend, and I haven’t the slightest idea when it’s all gonna let up.

Anywho . . . I’m outtie!  Peace!

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Yeah, so I’m a mess right now.  An absolute wreck!  CTP.

The value of wisdom . . .


I’ve been really frustrated lately.  This of course goes along with discouragement, hopelessness, discontentment, etc.  It seems that no matter how hard I try to cling to Christ and His truth, I am forever bogged down by circumstances and fleeting emotions that leave me questioning His goodness.  It’s the same old trick used on Adam . . . make man question God’s character long enough to get him to sin.  You can be tempted but for so long before you capitulate, ya know?


I’m a weak man with weak faith.  And yet, Christ said that all you truly need is a mustard seed, right?  It then makes me wonder if I have any faith AT ALL . . . seeing as how I haven’t exactly seen any mountains move lately


I honestly don’t know why God bothers putting up with me.  I throw emotional temper-tantrums, and make all these demands on Him . . .


“If you loved me, you’d give me x, y, z.”  And you know what?  Half the time, He does it!  But does that stop me from acting like a toddler a week later?  Not at all. 


I think I’d really just enjoy having someone I can emotionally connect with right now . . . a brother who’ll be in the fight and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.  I make this demand of God . . . and it’s almost like he came through (once again) w/ my boy Casey.  I don’t get to see Casey that much, b/c our schedules are really different.  But yesterday, he randomly called me, and we decided to get together.  We were gonna make it a nice, open event, but no one else was able to make it.


So we got to share about our frustrations as of late, and some really deep stuff.  I so love the growth I’ve seen in this guy in the last few months.  And I’ve always appreciated how compassionate he’s been towards me.  It’s reminded me that I need to spend more time with this dude.  We encourage each other too much to only have talks every 4 months.


And I think I’m gonna be joining his small group.  I’ve been having some issues w/ my own lately (big surprise, right?) . . . and I thought I had successfully communicated my concerns to our leaders, but all for nought it seems.  *sigh*  I dunno . . . I’ll probably go to both for awhile until I figure out which end is up.


But that could take awhile.  I got home pretty late last night . . . feeling pretty good.  I opened up to the book of James, because I thought I could use a good kick in the pants, and that book consistently shows me how far off I am from living the Christian life I know I ought to be living.  But usually, I’m not convicted until I reach Chapter 2.  Last night, I just felt cut to the heart straight off!


I realize that I’ve become “the double-minded man”.  I look back over my life and ask how in the world I got here, and I honestly don’t understand it.  I used to have such a rock solid faith.  But it’s all gone to shit now, methinks.  One day I’m feeling pretty good about God, then the next day I’m questioning His word, or simply living in outright defiance. 


I’m starting to see why I have such a hard time committing to anything . . . because my thoughts on the subject change daily.  I attribute a lot of this to the fact that – for the most part – my emotional development was stunted in the teens, and so now I’m learning how to deal with them now that they’ve decided to turn back on.  And I guess I really am growing a bit, and I’m not quite as fickle as I was a few months ago . . . yet I’m still extremely immature in this area.


It’s interesting that James appears to point to WISDOM being the answer for this.  Just after talking of the double-minded man, he suggests we ask for wisdom from God – who dishes it out quite liberally.  I suppose that’s what me and God will be wrestling with this week.


In the meantime, I’m trying to keep in mind what’s stated in that first Chapter . . . that these trials, tribulations, and temptations are really for my own good, and will produce endurance.


It’s funny, I just started getting back to the gym and the thing is . . . I never last long.  Eventually, I just get tired of trying to do all that treadmill running.  I lack endurance.  I’ve never been strong in that area.  So here I am striving to build up my physical endurance . . . and it seems God is doing the same in the spiritual realm.


Lord help me


 

Sooo . . . following J-Jaz’s prodding to look at the silver lining (regarding the previous post I made), I must say that I THOROUGHLY enjoyed the PLS banquet last Thursday nite, and the KY formal on Friday!  It’s been a loooong time since I got my groove on . . . so it was cool to let loose and release some steam.


Here’s some pics!



That’s me and Dr. Smith . . . along with Diem, Alison, and Shelly (3 of the coolest, hottest ladies to ever grace Kappa Psi!!)



Ali, Annette, Diem, and me





Those were just some random ones of some cool KY catz!  One would think that there aren’t a lot of guys in our organization . . . but I think it’s more that this is a time for the ladies to strut their stuff and take lots of pics of each other! LOL.


Hope you enjoyed them, J-Jaz.  Why the heck weren’t you there, by the way?  We missed you!!


Holla!

Heartache . . .


My head is full of every kind of theology there is for “the problem of pain”, yet when I go through it, I cannot for the life of me understand why God allows it.  And why He didn’t just let me go ahead living my life suppressing it all.  Why the hell does He INSIST on digging all of this crap up?


I truly hate this pain.  I can’t bear it at all, really.  I try my best to wait on the Lord, but so often, that is of no comfort at all.


I could go on and on about every tiny thing that grieves me, about every “godly” person that did me wrong and stabbed me in the heart over and over again, but what good would that do?  It’s not like it matters, does it?


I try with everything in me to believe that I am significant, that I am someone.  I beg and plead for God to show me love, to give me comfort, to tell me who I am, and why I’m here. 


Nothing.  I truly hear nothing.  I don’t understand it . . . all these wounds.  Why can’t I just will myself above them all?


The ache is so deep . . . the wound so raw . . . the love so elusive.  It drives me to places I’d ideally never go . . . but when you’re hungry, even that which is bitter tastes sweet.

It’s not a good week.  Not at all.  Basically, I feel like shit. CTP.


On a happier note, there are some good times ahead.  PLS banquet tomorrow night . . . free food!  Kappa Psi formal Friday night . . . not free, but a pretty cheap way to get my grub on and get jiggy wit’ it!  Saturday is fun times with none other than Amelia herself . . . good luck in your heats, Amo!!


I’m outtie


 

Groovy weekend . . .


So I’ve had a really good weekend so far.  Yesterday was a pretty full day, despite the fact that I had no school.  But I finished most of my application for my pharm license and for the NAPLEX exam.  Then went to see Lance, came back and voted for the new Kappa Psi exec board, then went to meet my boy Chris at Zone (the high school/college group at my church that I sit in on from time to time so that I can pretend to be young again


I don’t like saying it, but the worship SUCKED, and PK wasn’t doing the teaching . . . plus I was hungry, so me and Chris jetted.  Went to get some dinner instead, and got to catch up on each others’ lives.  SUCH a good time!  We got to talk some pretty deep, serious stuff.  He’s a major encouragement to me, despite the fact that he’s going through some pretty heavy shit himself.


I just got back from hanging out w/ some old college friends.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Lina, Chanelle, Wes, and Adrienne? I don’t get to talk about them much, because I rarely get to see them.  But when we get together, it’s like we haven’t skipped a beat.  Granted, it’s a little strange, b/c we used to hang out together all the time, so it sucks not knowing what’s going on in their lives.  But we have soooo much fun when we’re together (except for that rocky time after we graduated . . . but barring that, all is beautiful )


On the drive home, I was thinking about quite a bit.  I guess it’s fair to say that I’m living in an utter state of confusion.  I’m singing the same song I’ve been singing for the last couple of months . . . but it’s SUCH a catchy chorus, wouldn’t you say?


Yeah, everything just seems so unstable . . . and unsure.  Nothing is finalized.  And while I’m not necessarily “worried” about that, I’m not confident and perfectly at peace about it either.


Then of course, if you’ve been CTP, there are all those issues.  And as I gingerly maneuvered through the rainy streets, I had to admit to myself that I’m hurt.  Just really, really hurt . . . by a lot of things and a lot of people.  I’m not sure when or how that will get addressed and/or healed, but I’m really glad it’s not accompanied by the same depression and emptiness that surfaced the last year and a half of my life. 


So I’m moving on.  Living my life.  Finding the authentic Jesus, and what He wants from me.  Trying to find out what’s really important . . . what’s really worth investing in.  It’s not easy, but I think I’m finally starting to see it.  I’m finally starting to understand the difference b/w those who love me, and those who use me; those who are genuinely interested in my life, and those who only say they are just to save face.  I’m starting to learn not to sweat the small stuff.  I’m starting to learn how to not focus on the symptoms, and set my attention on the problems.


Speaking of which, I think I’m gonna go back to seeing Lance weekly.  There are simply too many thoughts and events that occur in a 2 week period.  So he and I agreed that weekly sessions might be best, while I’m figuring out these important things.


Anywho . . . I better get to bed.  Gotta get up for church tomorrow.  Once again, I’m gonna try to do the Cedar Ridge thing . . . we’ll see if I can wake up! 


But I did finally get McLaren’s latest book (no thanks to Borders!).  It’ll be awhile before I get to it though, because I’m currently reading 2 other books.  So I’ll letcha know how it is when I actually get to read it.


Peace and Love,


D.J.