The value of wisdom . . .
I’ve been really frustrated lately. This of course goes along with discouragement, hopelessness, discontentment, etc. It seems that no matter how hard I try to cling to Christ and His truth, I am forever bogged down by circumstances and fleeting emotions that leave me questioning His goodness. It’s the same old trick used on Adam . . . make man question God’s character long enough to get him to sin. You can be tempted but for so long before you capitulate, ya know?
I’m a weak man with weak faith. And yet, Christ said that all you truly need is a mustard seed, right? It then makes me wonder if I have any faith AT ALL . . . seeing as how I haven’t exactly seen any mountains move lately
I honestly don’t know why God bothers putting up with me. I throw emotional temper-tantrums, and make all these demands on Him . . .
“If you loved me, you’d give me x, y, z.” And you know what? Half the time, He does it! But does that stop me from acting like a toddler a week later? Not at all.
I think I’d really just enjoy having someone I can emotionally connect with right now . . . a brother who’ll be in the fight and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. I make this demand of God . . . and it’s almost like he came through (once again) w/ my boy Casey. I don’t get to see Casey that much, b/c our schedules are really different. But yesterday, he randomly called me, and we decided to get together. We were gonna make it a nice, open event, but no one else was able to make it.
So we got to share about our frustrations as of late, and some really deep stuff. I so love the growth I’ve seen in this guy in the last few months. And I’ve always appreciated how compassionate he’s been towards me. It’s reminded me that I need to spend more time with this dude. We encourage each other too much to only have talks every 4 months.
And I think I’m gonna be joining his small group. I’ve been having some issues w/ my own lately (big surprise, right?) . . . and I thought I had successfully communicated my concerns to our leaders, but all for nought it seems. *sigh* I dunno . . . I’ll probably go to both for awhile until I figure out which end is up.
But that could take awhile. I got home pretty late last night . . . feeling pretty good. I opened up to the book of James, because I thought I could use a good kick in the pants, and that book consistently shows me how far off I am from living the Christian life I know I ought to be living. But usually, I’m not convicted until I reach Chapter 2. Last night, I just felt cut to the heart straight off!
I realize that I’ve become “the double-minded man”. I look back over my life and ask how in the world I got here, and I honestly don’t understand it. I used to have such a rock solid faith. But it’s all gone to shit now, methinks. One day I’m feeling pretty good about God, then the next day I’m questioning His word, or simply living in outright defiance.
I’m starting to see why I have such a hard time committing to anything . . . because my thoughts on the subject change daily. I attribute a lot of this to the fact that – for the most part – my emotional development was stunted in the teens, and so now I’m learning how to deal with them now that they’ve decided to turn back on. And I guess I really am growing a bit, and I’m not quite as fickle as I was a few months ago . . . yet I’m still extremely immature in this area.
It’s interesting that James appears to point to WISDOM being the answer for this. Just after talking of the double-minded man, he suggests we ask for wisdom from God – who dishes it out quite liberally. I suppose that’s what me and God will be wrestling with this week.
In the meantime, I’m trying to keep in mind what’s stated in that first Chapter . . . that these trials, tribulations, and temptations are really for my own good, and will produce endurance.
It’s funny, I just started getting back to the gym and the thing is . . . I never last long. Eventually, I just get tired of trying to do all that treadmill running. I lack endurance. I’ve never been strong in that area. So here I am striving to build up my physical endurance . . . and it seems God is doing the same in the spiritual realm.
Lord help me