Never-ending story . . .
Well, I’m back! Goood GOSH it’s been a long time. I had a
really nice time in California. The trip was really cool.
Me and Chris got into San Diego on
Saturday and just explored the town we were staying in (Carlsbad) a
bit. The resort was FABULOUS!
Then we drove up to LA on Sunday to meet Audrey at her uncle Rocky’s
place. He lives in Hollywood and has a sweet pad! He’s a
mad cool guy – very ecclectic taste. He showed us a very good
time in LA:
We hung out in downtown LA but didn’t meet many stars (we came across
the Asian dude who’s on MAD tv and George Huff from last season’s
American Idol). Had some YUMMY Thai food! The next day we
headed back, after stopping off in Santa Monica, and I met up with a
classmate (Ellen) and my dear old friend Helena, who was
co-pledgemaster with me 2 years ago
could see the ocean, and then I had us stop off at Laguna Beach b/c
it’s so purty:
point, we spent the next day mostly indoors. We saw Star Wars III
(coincidentally, I found out this was Chris’s fav part of the trip
), and afterwards I went to a place to a get a smoothie, and they
had internet. I got online to find that I not only passed NAPLEX,
but I did damn good!!! I don’t know how that happened, b/c I have
never been so clueless before when taking a test, but there you have
it. I guess the Lord was merciful So I’m one step
closer to getting that license. Now I just gotta study for and
pass the law boards. Eesh. Like I said . . . never-ending
The next day we took a nice tour of SD, and I must say that I am SO
gonna be moving there someday! That city is so darn BEAUTIFUL!
The following day, we took Audricus to the airport, then Chris and I
spent the rest of the day touring more of SD, going aboard the old
aircraft carrier at the maritime museum (USS Midway), then taking a
trip to La Jolla beach:
La Jolla and maybe see the aquarium, but I got sick I
managed to at least get to the pool that day, and we had one last trip
out on the town.
I’m back now, safe and sound.
As soon as I got back, I was hit with a wave of confusion and
angst. It had been building up the whole trip. I think it
was mostly because (as I posted last time), I’ve spent so much time
trying to disconnect from people so that I could study. My heart
needs to get back online with folks, but it’s quite difficult to get
The weird thing is, I was really looking forward to spending some time
with Chris, b/c he’s been such a great friend, but it was really
awkward being around him so much. For some reason, I didn’t trust
him. I know it’s totally just having a bad taste in my mouth from
past experiences with others . . . and it totally sucks that I ‘ve
transferred that to a guy who’s been nothing but cool with me this last
year . . . but I guess that’s life.
I did my best to get up for church the next day, and the confusion had
just grown. I don’t even know why I went. From the moment I
woke up, all I could think was “I don’t belong anywhere, especially not
at church!” I feel so lost sometimes . . . searching for answers,
for community, for honesty, for love, for stability . . . and I get so
frustrated because it’s all so very far away
And who can I trust? Who can I go to and freely talk about this
stuff when I’m feeling this way? The people at my church?
Hell no! They seem to be the ones that understand me the
least. I think the only dude I trust there is Pastor Kelly.
He actually came up to me in church and asked how I was doing (I guess
he could tell I had some things on the brain). We’re gonna be
meeting up. But even with him, I’m not sure how much I can trust
I suppose time will tell though. I’m almost done with McLaren’s
latest book . . . it’s so freakin’ fascinating. It’s all about
hell and judgement . . . he’s really challenged my beliefs on the
subject . . . I’m wrestling with all the stuff that he presented.
Again, it would be nice to have someone I could ruminate with (this is
some deeeep stuff!), but I don’t really have a lot of friends around
here who can stretch quite that far. So big ups for John (that
Canadian one) for helping me sort through some of this stuff.
But one part I really loved is how he describes “deep ecclesiology”,
which is how he and his group of friends meet up once a year to catch
up with each other, and truly grow together. It reminded me of my
own deep ecclesiastic group, and I’m so glad I know you folks. So
to those out there who know what “Der” is short for . . . thank you SO
MUCH for being Church to me. For being people I can grow
with. Safe people. Brave people. Caring people.
Y’all seriously rock my world. I don’t know where I’d be or what
I’d do without you.
Keep it real, homies!