What’s up, Doc?
So I’ve been gone a long time. I don’t think I’ve gone this long
w/o posting since I joined xanga! But I’m back . . . and I’m a
In case you’re wondering, you may still refer to me as just Darren (or
Der for my very close friends), but if you so feel the need to stroke
my ego . . . Dr. D.J. will suffice
Today was graduation. Four years gone. I remember when I
first entered pharm school – just after graduating from college – and
thinking how HORRIFIC it was staring down the barrel of another four
years! But here I am. I survived it. Formal education
is finally behind me (hopefully). And you know what? I did
it pretty damn well! Graduated cum laude with a number of
accolades and awards to enhance the celebration (even though,
techinically, I think it’s sort of a demotion for me, considering I
graduated from college w/ the highest GPA in the Chem/Biochem Dept.,
and magna cum laude from the College of Life Sciences . . . but
I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I think I was most honored
by one of my best friends in the world (Paul) when he said “Darren, I’m
so proud of you. Not only did you make it through the most
difficult years of your education, but you did it during the most
difficult couple of years of your life.”
I was quite close to tears when he said that, becuase that reality
finally hit me. I’m actually amazed that I was able to do so well
despite the fact that I’ve spent the last couple of years battling all
kinds of depression, emotional lability, and fierce temptations all
around! It’s just a testament of God’s goodness and mercy.
But you know what? I’d trade all the accomplishments for a little bit
of love and fulfillment. Because quite frankly, the fact that I’m
now a doc means shit to me. And the fact that I earned that
degree with blood and sweat, and was one of the best at it . . .
means jack. What does it profit to gain the whole world, if in
the process you lose your soul?
After it was all said and done, I woke up this evening from my nap and
felt such an intense emptiness inside. A feeling I haven’t felt
in quite some time. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with how sleep
deprived I am. I’m sure some of it has to do with the fact that
I’ve been so amped up the past few weeks, that now that I have no
immediate goals ahead of me, it’s set me up for depression. I’m
sure some if it has to do with the fact that I’ve been disconnected
from friends and loved ones for the past few weeks all for the sake of
studying and passing those damn boards. And I’m sure some of it
has to do with the fact that I’ve been putting my heart and it’s
yearnings on the back-burner for the past few weeks b/c I had to get
crap done, and now that it’s all done, my heart is screaming.
But right now, I don’t really care about the cause, I only care about the pain. It’s there and in full force.
But tomorrow is another day. And Christ’s mercy is new every
morning. And in the morning, I head to San Diego for a week w/
some cool friends from church (Chris and Audrey) and some old college
friends (Nel and A). I’m looking forward to the chill time.
And while there, I’m hoping to see Star Wars III, because I’ve been
waiting forever for it to come out! And somehow I feel a resolve
to involve God in my life more, and allow my loved ones to see my hurt
and shame . . . it’s time to start opening up. Not that I keep my
friends out . . . I give them details,
but rarely do allow myself to connect with what I’m sharing. It’s
time for that to change. God give me courage.
So anywho . . . I guess I’m outtie. Oh, and in case you were
wondering, I took the first half of my boards on Thursday. I
think I did horribly! So I’m expecting to fail But
then again, I’m told that all of my classmates who took it before me
felt the same way, and they all passed . . . so just maybe I passed
Once I get back from California, I’m gonna be starting my
new job, moving into my new apartment, and studying for the law portion
of the licensing exam. Hopefully by this time next month,
I’ll be licensed Dr. D.J.