Bittersweet

I feel pressured to make a new post . . . but I don’t really know what to say.


The past few days have been bittersweet, I suppose.  Christmas was nice . . . a good, relaxing time at home with the family.  Gave great  presents, got great presents.  Carrington is more adorable with each passing day  


But there has been much pining as well.  A longing for something – someone – to take the edge off of life.  Last night was pretty rough.  I went to bed super early with a tear-soaked pillow.  But I survived.  Wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be.  I just don’t know that I can take a hell of a lot more. 


Still deciding on NYC for New Year’s.  We’ll see . . .

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Lost in fantasy . . .


Most of my life, I live in my head.  Yeah, I admit it, fantasy is a great coping mechanism, and one that I use often.  Whether I’m losing myself in a movie, or t.v. show, or book, or whether I’m pondering my day – re-creating how that conversation SHOULD have gone down, or re-imagining what I SHOULD have done instead to have made things turn out better – it’s all the same.  It’s all me and my fantasy.


Have you ever wondered why God made humans with the ability to fantasize?  I mean, it’s all really bizarre, really.  I find myself increasingly retreating to fantasy, because it’s so much easier – so much better – than anything happening in my real life.  But I can’t help but wonder if that’s really all that healthy. 


It’s become a daily task to remind myself not to get too far ahead of reality – to not sink into thinking things are, when in fact they are not.


And as I fight to stay in the present – in the here and now – I ask, “God, why did you create me with this proclivity in the first place?”  What’s the point of it all?  Where do all of these fancy thoughts take me?  Sometimes to bad places, but to good places as well.  But why did He choose this way?

Let me be . . .


This time of year is always quite special, and yet somewhat depressing at the same time.  Quite frankly, I’ve wondered for awhile whether or not I have S.A.D. or something.  But I doubt it.


But it’s special because I really cherish my time alone.  I have been traveling quite a bit, so I’ve missed some of the snow . . . but a few days ago, I was able to see my first snowfall of the year.  I was so excited!  I had such a craving to stock my fridge full of yummy foods, go to Blockbuster and pick up a few videos, and retreat to my apartment for a few days.  There’s nothing like having no responsibility, and no one around to harass me, cuddled up in a blanket, next to a hot fire as its flames dance to the music of my soul.


Unfortunately, I have no fireplace   And honestly, right now, I crave nothing more than to have someone around to harass me.


There are times when I desire a lover.  But sometimes (like today), I just want a good friend.  No, a great friend.  Someone who will just let me . . . be.


Not be something in particular, but just allow me to be me in the moment.  If “being” means crying, then they would hold me in their arms as I cried.  And if “being” was laughing, they would tell me jokes so that my laughter didn’t end.  And if “being” was simply sitting in silence, then they would allow the silence, and we would be comforted by God in our presence.


Deep cries out to deep . . . let me be . . .

Broken trust . . .


OK, so since no one fessed up to breaking my trust, I’ve been forced to do something I’d rather not.  Please, no one take this personally.  I’d like to think that I can trust ALL of you, but someone has broken my trust, and I don’t even know where to begin with how to discover who that could be.  So everyone who has not responded to me previously has been removed from my protected list (you’ll know if you’ve been removed if you cannot see the post above this one).  If you’d like to gain access back to that list, you’re going to have to send me some kind of message, notifying that you were not the one who shared things with people off of my protected list.  My email is djfree79@yahoo.com.  Thanx.

Retreat . . .


I had SUCH a wonderful weekend!  Friday night I headed down to Newport News, VA for a little spiritual getaway at the LivingStone Monastery.  I must say that EVERY Christian ought to have an experience like this at least once in life . . . monasteries ROCK!


There was lots of reading, lots of quiet, lots of personal reflection, and lots of time to ask some serious questions.  Ken, thank you (and the staff) SO MUCH for everything.  I’m really still quite amazed at everything.


I think the thing that struck me most was the humility and spirit of service held by those that lived there. 


I learned way too much there to even recount here.  I suspect some of that stuff will seep out here and there in future xanga posts.  There are simply many, many things that I realized I need to focus on.  I think what I carried away from my time there was that I need not fear . . . I’m heading in the right direction in most respects – and where I’m not, Christ won’t let me go.  So things are gonna be working out OK.


I returned home Saturday night and caught up with one of my little brothers (Mikey) . . . it was friggin great to share with you, bro.  Don’t you dare wait another 4 months before you decide to call me, butthead!  Love ya!


Sunday was cool too.  I didn’t wake up in time to catch the early service at CR, so no time with the highschoolers this week, but it was a nice service for me all the same.  The highlight of the day, however, was getting to see Jonathan perform w/ an a cappella group.  Wow.  They sounded . . . amazing!  Absolutely beautiful.  Thanx for inviting me, J.  It was awesome.  And sorry again, Audrey, for changing plans last minute . . . I think you would have really loved it.  I feel bad.  So you’re gonna have to forgive me.  Thanx.  I promise not to do that again 


So, back to real life.  Honestly, I want to go hide under my covers.  I’m feeling strangely . . . anxious.  I don’t know why.  And I’ve been on the verge of tears for like the last 3 days.  I need to have a good cry   A nice, long hug would be a great follow-up to that.

If you’ve never CTP’d before . . . THIS is the time to do it!!  The sacredness of CTP has been compromised!  Let’s get to the bottom of it, please!

AIDS . . .


I didn’t do anything for World AIDS Day (December 1), but this is a subject that I like to keep aware about.  Check out my friend John’s Xanga . . . it’s enlightening, and a great reminder about who and how we ought to be . . .