Well, those of you with coveted protected status (if you ain’t got it, just ask, I might be merciful enough to add you to the list ) already know that I’ve been thinking about some pretty big things concerning the direction of my life. It’s weird to ask a question for so long, and then to seemingly and finally get an answer. Somehow, it just seems too simple. How is it that you can churn a decision in your head so many times, nearly to the point of lunacy, and then – suddenly – it just resolves for you?
Well, I’m still skeptical about this being any sort of “final answer” for me. But thus far, the emotional resolution has remained consistent in my heart. So just maybe. I guess time will tell.
At this point, I’m really just attempting to envision what life should look like in light of that decision. I’ve been doing a lot of mental acrobatics the last few days in regards to such things . . . perhaps I’ll share, when I have a stream of consciousness that actually makes some sense.
In other news, the residency starts soon. I’m somewhat excited about the opportunity to learn, but DREADING the increased amount of work, the stress, and the loss of salary Not to mention the need to “perform” That kinda shit really does me in. I fear returning to “Type A Darren” – I honestly don’t like him all that much. Rather, I don’t like how he steals my joy, my relationships, and keeps me at such a frantic pace, that I forget my heart and the ones I love. Oh, and then I start doing really bad things to cope with the stress. Eesh. Pray for me.
Finally, I haven’t really shared this with a lot of people, because I wasn’t sure of the plausibility or permanence of the desire. But the idea simply won’t leave me. So yeah, as C.S. Lewis used to say “I’m pregnant with book”. I’ve been contemplating writing a book for a long time, and I think I’m gonna start doing so . . . though I don’t expect it to be done anytime soon, as the residency will likely take over my life pretty soon. We’ll see . . .