I’m in a weird place. A very weird place. I feel so very much UNme right now.
I’ve been having some really good heart-to-hearts with Jesus lately. It’s been a lot about me realizing how small I’ve made him in my life these last few months. I’ve let so many other distractions get in the way of my growth, and healing . . . of my ability to be enraptured by him.
And right now, things are very hard. I woke up this morning with some pretty heavy realizations, which made me acutely sensitive to rejection. And the first thing I see when I log on to my computer is a message from the guy who started the Exodus blogring, telling me that because of my “lifestyle choices”, I’ve essentially been booted from the blogring.
I’d really love to say that I don’t give a damn. But I do. It really hurts Mostly because I feel very judged. I mean, does this guy even know me? I write one post about regrets about marriage, and one post about going on a date with a guy, and suddenly I’m being excommunicated? WTF Wouldn’t it have been nice if he had at LEAST had a conversation with me first? Instead of making a presumptuous move to excommunicate? Could he have gotten to understand where I’m coming from?
On Gay Christian Network (www.gaychristian.net), we have 2 theological ideologies active within the community: Side A and Side B. Side B believes that sexual relationship should be reserved for heterosexual marriage, while Side A folks believe that homosexual unions are blessed by God.
The funny thing about both sides is that they all accept pursuing relationships, except that committed Side B relationships would – by definition – be relationships of a non-sexual nature.
Is it possible that Darren could be Side B, and therefore believes largely the same way as many people within Exodus? Is it possible that him going on a date with a guy doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s made some grievous “lifestyle choice” that necessitates banning him from a community that he’s known and loved for years? Could he have at least been asked? Could a group of people who pretends to be strict followers of the Word have at least tried to use that as a means for guiding how they ought to treat a brother in Christ in such a sensitive situation? (Matthew 18 anyone? )
Yet, as disturbing as that is, I really understand. I remember what it was like to be constantly fighting those internal struggles, and I can see how my current journey doesn’t really help people like that. What bothers me more, however, is this misconception that being gay is somehow “easy”.
How many friends and family do know who have said to me “I feel like you’ve given up, and have taken the easy way out. . .”? I’m not sure any of them realizes how incredibly offensive that is. As if it’s easy to take even a single step in a direction contrary to everything you’ve been taught was true? As if it’s easy to lose the respect and admiration of friends and cherished loved ones? As if it’s easy to be barred from communities you’ve long held dear?
No, it’s not easy. And today, I’m especially aware of how it just ain’t ever easy to be gay, whether you choose the ex-gay path, or the Side B path, or you follow your heart into a committed same-sex relationship . . .it simply ain’t easy.
I’ve got so much baggage to carry with me. I gave up on Exodus methodologies (especially the North American version) long ago, but it was hardly “easy”. I’ve continued counseling (going on 3 years now), I’ve sought healing and prayer, I’ve had tough convesations, and challenging relationships. This has been a really hard life for me . . .
But I’m walking the road that I feel Christ is leading me on . . . and I dare say that when you’re truly doing that, it ain’t ever “easy”.
Peace and love to one and all.
P.S. And so I don’t have to hear people complain to me anymore about not having pictures of the groom AND the bride, here goes! (Happy now, Jo-Jo? )