Moving on . . .

Well, I’ve decided. One can only cry so many tears.  At some point, you just gotta pack things up, and move on.  So “operation get over it” is well under way, complete w/ new relationships and cute boys

Aaaand . . . we’re heading off to LA tonight!  Woohoo!!  I’ll be back late Monday night.  Pray for me!  I want this documentary filming to go well, but more than that, I want to forge some new relationships, and strengthen some old ones.  I’m looking forward to a VERY good time!




Paradoxical Depression . . .

Last night was the evening of the 2007 Baltimore Area Residency Banquet, celebrating the completion of various residencies at the University of Maryland, Johns Hopkins University, VA Hospital, Union Memorial Hospital, and St. Agnes Hospital.


Here we are, having completed not ONLY 8 years of  advanced education, but even more specialized, clinical training.  I’d like to say that it was a surreal experience.  I’d like to say that the electricity in the air was intoxicating.  He’ll, I’d like to say that the free wine we got was intoxicating!  But it wasn’t.  All I could feel was this heaviness in my gut.

It dawned on me at some point in the evening that I had been here before.  It was so familiar.  Wasn’t I in the same place 2 years ago after graduating from pharmacy school?

I began to seriously question why these times of merriment, celebration, and festivities always seemed to only drown me in melancholy.  I know why this caged bird mourns: I am alone.

These times – the greatest accomplishments of my life, are times that I wish I could share with that special guy. 

And what about these huge transitions, and all the decisions that have to be made?  Where will I work?  Where will I live?  What new things can I afford to furnish this brand new life?

I just wish I could share these huge questions with someone. I wish I could lean on them for support, and get advice, and some good ol’ fashioned nurturing. 

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that my friends aren’t helpful.  They totally are!  I’m blessed beyond measure with some really awesome friends!  And it’s not that I can’t get support from them either.  It’s simply that there’s a HUGE difference between having the ear of a friend, and having the heart of that someone special.  And that’s what I miss so much.  That’s what tears me up inside.  That’s what keeps me yearning for him so much . . . and it hurts that there’s so much distance b/w us right now   Sometimes it’s practically unbearable. 

But I go on.  I survive.  I tell myself “yes, you want that right now, but you can’t have it, no matter how much you want it”, and then I have a good cry about it . . .and for about half an hour, my heart is settled.  Cycle. Rinse.  Repeat.

God, its got to get better than this, right?  RIGHT?!?

Gainfully employed?

Well, it’s been a wild ride.  After months and months of searching, networking, applying, and interviewing, I’ve finally figured out where I’ll be working. 

It came down to 2 places: the first was a clinical pharmacy position at Spring Grove Hospital Center – where I had my first rotation of the residency.  I was a bit wary about it for several reasons (most of which I’m reticent to share on public web space, but feel free to ask).  The second was touted to be a fantastic opportunity at an up-and-coming treatment facility called Baltimore Behavioral Health.  I’ll not share the details of that on public either, but let’s just say that the “opportunity” wasn’t all it was cracked up to be

So yeah, I just “interviewed” for the position at SGCH.  I put that in quotes because the job was basically mine from the get-go.  I think we’re just going through state mandated formalities at this point.  I’m about to finish up my application and send it in. 

I’m looking forward to it.  A little nervous though.  I mean, I’m going to officially be an independent practitioner in a matter of a few days!   Scary as hell!  I guess technically I’ve already been an independent practitioner (since I got my Pharm.D. 2 years ago), but in a residency, you can lean on older, wiser people so much.  Now, I’ll be a psychiatric pharmacist, not just a resident; not just a wannabe.  Whoa.

I’m in one of those strange transition moments of life, where a myriad of things are wrapping up nicely on one end (all the craziness of residency), and an equal mass of mess is unfurling on the other end (new job, new apartment, new responsibilities).  It’s such a strange feeling.  Good thing I’ll have all of July off to process it all a bit

Anyway, gotta be going . . . be looking forward to my next post which will be my housing dilemma.  I’m gonna need your advice out there, so feel free to chime in!

D.J. Free!


Labyrinth . . .

My heart is heavy.  Big surprise, right?  I mean, seriously, how many of my posts start in this very same way? 

But at the same time, I feel OK.  Some really groovy things are shaping up right now   I got a good lead on a place I might like to move into in a couple months.  The job at Spring Grove is pretty much mine (I applied last Thursday).  And I’ve been getting my summer “vacation” plans all lined up.

I’m taking the month of July off before I start working full-time.  I need to recuperate, find my center, and get my heart in order.  Not to mention have a friggin’ good time!

I’ve been reconnecting w/ old friends.  My buddy Joel and I have been hanging out a lot.  It’s been good for my soul.  I don’t know why, but I just really enjoy spending time w/ this kid.  Somehow, he convinced me to spend an ASSLOAD at a swanky hotel in NYC.  So we’ll be heading up there in mid-July. 

Also, I’m officially heading out to LA at the end of June for a conference, some good ol’ documentary film-making (yes, I’m serious . . . I’m gonna be in a Canadian documentary), and reuniting w/ dear friends like Jo(h)n and Burke

In many ways, I feel as though my “vacation” has already begun.  As bad as things are for me right now (emotionally), I’m amazed at how well I’m coping with life.  God’s been speaking quite a bit lately.  Maybe that’s because I’ve given Him more space to do that.

I’ll admit it: I fucked up.  I grabbed life by the reigns, and started living it out my way.  Not in a defiant way, though.  I mean, I really thought God was behind me . . . I really thought he was on-board w/ my plans.  But I see I probably should have taken a HUGE step back post-France, and gotten on-board w/ God’s plans. 

But I think it’s all getting worked out just fine right now.  Amidst all the sadness and grief, there’s been a steady stream of his pacific voice in my life.  Whenever I start to feel the anxiety rising, I take some time out, and just pray, and remember all the things He’s been speaking into my life these past 2 years, and suddenly I find myself at ease with the goings on of the world. 

Like Friday.  After finishing up business at Springfield Hospital, I took the rest of the afternoon off, and headed to the Bon Secours Spiritual Center (the same place my church has traditionally held its Contemplative Retreats, and where I had this life-changing experience last summer).  I spent some time at the prayer labyrinth, finding God’s voice amidst the throng of other voices plaguing my mind. 

I also attempted to spend some time praying at the chapel, but as soon as I got in there, I was overwhelmed by memories of my last chapel experience, which brought me to tears, and next thing you know, I was sleeping in the pew.  LOL.  It was peaceful in it’s own way though.  God’s presence was still quite strong.

So yeah, things are going fairly well.  I feel like God’s walking beside me on some treachorous roads, but it’s somehow OK.  I’m still walking, still moving, still growing, still hoping.  I know this will be all right . . . he gives  comfort and assurance, even when the world gives me every reason to believe the contrary.



By the way, if you’ve never practiced contemplative prayer through a prayer labyrinth, you do NOT know what you’re missing out on!

What Would You Do?

What if you found the love of your life?  Your David-Jonathan?  Your soul mate?

What if the very sight of a beautiful blue sky with bright, shining glory reminds you of him?  And the calm of the ocean with crashing waves bespeaks the warmth in your soul when you stare into his eyes?  If your terrible day suddenly turned around reading his sweet text?

What would you do if you found that kind of love? 

And what would you do if you found the right one, at exactly the wrong time?  Or if you didn’t even know if he could ever be your one and only?  Not for love’s sake, mind you – the love is there, and it’s real, and strong, and vibrant, and beautiful.  And the companionship is beyond what words could describe.  And your hearts are interwoven in such a way that even the most esteemed sonnets sound clumsy and feeble in trying to capture the essence of such love.  But maybe he’s just not ready . . . and scarier still, maybe he’ll just never know if it’s right to have this kind of connection.

How long would you wait?  How long would you hold out hope?  How many tears would you cry? 

These are the matters on my heart right now.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  I miss him so much.  I think about him at the oddest times, and in ways I never would have imagined thinking of someone.  I wish love were enough . . . I wish life weren’t so damn complicated!  I wish the world would just leave me alone . . .

Refreshing . . .

This hasn’t been the best of weeks.  Or months for that matter.  Hell, the last 5 1/2 years have been fairly shitty – though things do seem to be getting better and brighter . . . progressively . . . slowly.

The sparse good moments have always been people-oriented.  Sometimes, a really good friend has the ability to refresh my soul.  Like spending Monday at Rehoboth Beach with Christy and her roomie Jamie.  It was exactly what I needed

And then, there are the people who care for you, when you don’t really even expect it.  Like getting a random email from my pastor (Matthew), asking how I’m doing, and a couple of followup phonecalls today.  Seriously, that’s really awesome.  I do cherish my moments with him, because he’s such a busy guy.

The nicest refreshment came by way of my friend Grace.  She and Brian have been such supportive mentors of mine these last 2 years.  When they got back from a long trip to Africa a couple weeks ago, I immediately emailed them to get updates.  And I was rather surprised when Grace said she wanted to meet with ME   It’s a rare moment when someone you look up to says they want your input on a matter. 

I tend to feel somewhat guilty around these kinds of folks, because I’m used to being the one who incessantly gives to a relationship.  I’ve had to learn to allow myself to receive from good friends.  But it’s so much easier in peer relationships, because you can at least assuage your guilt by giving to them in like manner that they give to you.  Not so with mentor relationships – because they are so rarely in need of my help.

So naturally, I jumped at the chance to go see Grace.  I even took the afternoon off to do so – so that we could have plenty of uninterrupted time.  Though, I still feel like I walked away having received more help than I gave   But hey, I do what I can

So yes, I walk away this evening feeling refreshed by such glorious moments.  With a life like mine, you tend to really cling tightly to the rare pleasant moments

And now, off to meet the small group!  Woohoo!  Should be a lively night out on the town!

Lata, homies!