My heart is heavy. Big surprise, right? I mean, seriously, how many of my posts start in this very same way?
But at the same time, I feel OK. Some really groovy things are shaping up right now I got a good lead on a place I might like to move into in a couple months. The job at Spring Grove is pretty much mine (I applied last Thursday). And I’ve been getting my summer “vacation” plans all lined up.
I’m taking the month of July off before I start working full-time. I need to recuperate, find my center, and get my heart in order. Not to mention have a friggin’ good time!
I’ve been reconnecting w/ old friends. My buddy Joel and I have been hanging out a lot. It’s been good for my soul. I don’t know why, but I just really enjoy spending time w/ this kid. Somehow, he convinced me to spend an ASSLOAD at a swanky hotel in NYC. So we’ll be heading up there in mid-July.
Also, I’m officially heading out to LA at the end of June for a conference, some good ol’ documentary film-making (yes, I’m serious . . . I’m gonna be in a Canadian documentary), and reuniting w/ dear friends like Jo(h)n and Burke
In many ways, I feel as though my “vacation” has already begun. As bad as things are for me right now (emotionally), I’m amazed at how well I’m coping with life. God’s been speaking quite a bit lately. Maybe that’s because I’ve given Him more space to do that.
I’ll admit it: I fucked up. I grabbed life by the reigns, and started living it out my way. Not in a defiant way, though. I mean, I really thought God was behind me . . . I really thought he was on-board w/ my plans. But I see I probably should have taken a HUGE step back post-France, and gotten on-board w/ God’s plans.
But I think it’s all getting worked out just fine right now. Amidst all the sadness and grief, there’s been a steady stream of his pacific voice in my life. Whenever I start to feel the anxiety rising, I take some time out, and just pray, and remember all the things He’s been speaking into my life these past 2 years, and suddenly I find myself at ease with the goings on of the world.
Like Friday. After finishing up business at Springfield Hospital, I took the rest of the afternoon off, and headed to the Bon Secours Spiritual Center (the same place my church has traditionally held its Contemplative Retreats, and where I had this life-changing experience last summer). I spent some time at the prayer labyrinth, finding God’s voice amidst the throng of other voices plaguing my mind.
I also attempted to spend some time praying at the chapel, but as soon as I got in there, I was overwhelmed by memories of my last chapel experience, which brought me to tears, and next thing you know, I was sleeping in the pew. LOL. It was peaceful in it’s own way though. God’s presence was still quite strong.
So yeah, things are going fairly well. I feel like God’s walking beside me on some treachorous roads, but it’s somehow OK. I’m still walking, still moving, still growing, still hoping. I know this will be all right . . . he gives comfort and assurance, even when the world gives me every reason to believe the contrary.
By the way, if you’ve never practiced contemplative prayer through a prayer labyrinth, you do NOT know what you’re missing out on!