Too afraid to commit . . .

It’s been the theme for the day.  I’ve been feeling this desire to be with someone lately.  Not something I ever spend too much time worrying about b/c . . . well, why?  Worrying doesn’t make you married, it just makes you worried.  But woke up this morning with this stark feeling of being very afraid to ever commit to any woman.

Then I went to church, and for the second Sunday in a row, just felt really overwhelmed by the amazing presence of God there. I don’t typically like Pastor George sermons.  They’re a bit too bland for my taste.  I typically don’t get anything out of them.  And it’s not like his sermons have been any better lately, but I think it’s more that I’ve seen God at work in my life, so I’ve been able to see God in PG’s sermons. 

Today he talked a lot about service, and ministry and stuff.  Afterwards, my friend Melissa asked me about maybe doing the one-day membership class.  She and I have talked extensively in the past about our problems with churches, and why we hadn’t really committed to Trinity yet.  Before, I had the really great excuse that I was going to be off in another state doing a residency, so why bother joining the church?  But that excuse doesn’t really hold much water anymore, now does it?  I’m going to be in Baltimore, so I’ll likely still be at Trinity.  So why am I so reluctant to become a member?

Part of me just kind of feels like there’s still something missing for me.  I mean, I have no doubt in my mind that God led me here.  And the relationships that I’ve formed here have helped me to grow soooo much!  I’ve talked in the past about weighing the decison to invest in the groups that I’m involved in now, or just cut my losses and try to find a place more suitalble to my taste . . . a place like Cedar Ridge, or some other equally “emergent” church.  However, everytime I wake up Sunday morning, God seems to be telling me “go to Trinity”.  It’s rather frustrating, because I’d much rather go to Cedar Ridge and see McLaren, however, it just never works out that way.

So basically, it looks like I’m just scared to commit.

Hell, even the decision to buy a car, or whether or not to get an apartment, or buy myself a townhouse or something.  It’s easier for me to just get lost in the decision process so that I don’t actually have to decide on anything.

When did I become so damn scared of commitment?  Oh wait, it’s a life-long pattern.  I’ve always been this way.

I think it’s time to grow up and just be a man though.

In other news, you folks should probably expect to see fewer xanga posts from me in the next couple weeks.  I made the decision to give my ethernet cords to my boy Chris.  Was having quite a hard time keeping things holy, and life was getting particularly overwhelming.  So at least until I can get school stress out of the way so that I can more easily work on all the horrific stuff that came up in my session with Lance on Friday, it’s just best for me not to have online access in my room.  Pray that I get my bearings back rather quickly, becuase I’ve only been without internet access for a day now, and I’m already losing my mind!  Computer labs SUCK!

Expect a “CTP” message to be coming soon, folks.  Me and Lance had some intersting talks, and I know you’d all probably gleen something pretty groovy from my tragic life.  So I’m gonna share some of that.  It’s gonna be something like an emotional vomit kind of post.  Like the old days.  Should be good.

Peace!